I spent the majority of my childhood wanting to have magical powers. Despite my ex-boyfriends who insist that magic & alternate universes only exist in movies, I do believe in magic. I dream often about being a witch, flying, & conjuring anything I want. For a long time, I would tell others that if magic does exist, & I never get a letter of acceptance into Hogwarts, I’m going to be pissed. Last year, I even wrote in my bullet journal: “Can I please have magic?”, under the heading Questions for the Universe. This past January, during the week of my birthday, my magic finally found me.
The Beginning of 2021
Every year, in December, I do a Life Audit. Last year, COVID-19 stay-at-home orders took a huge toll on my mental health. I set new goals for 2021 to positively transmute my emotions. I use my creativity to stay productive & work toward my longer-term life goals. After an angry couple of months, I had a lot of pent-up energy to transmute & write about. Beginning on my birthday, I woke up every day for eight days straight, ready to write a new blog post. Ironically, when I stop trying to be strong & let my guard down, the magic inside me emerges & shines.
During that week & in the weeks that followed, I thought I was going crazy. Every single day, I cried on & off. I had so many headaches & sporadic pains in my chest & stomach. The old me was officially dead because one of my spiritual gifts is being an empath. I spent the majority of my life blocking out my emotions. I believed that it made me “better” or “stronger” than others since my emotional state never affected me. But in reality, closing my energy & separating myself from my emotions made me weaker & prevented my gifts from blossoming.
Once I finally let myself feel my emotions, I knew that I could never go back. I also began to hear voices, telling me to clean to feel better. I grew up being messy, & I usually only straighten up my spaces when having guests over. But I suddenly found immense comfort in spiritual cleansing & cleaning my spaces regularly.
Psychic or Psychosis
It’s completely ok if you think I’m crazy or lying. All brilliant & creative people from history were a little crazy in my opinion, but I know my truth. My dark night of the soul in January completely shows my signs of psychosis. Luckily for me, I have a loving & supportive family. I chose to confide in my family members, & they understood that I was going through something. But instead of sending me to a mental hospital, judging me, or insisting that I “get help” so they didn’t have to deal with me, they let me work through my emotions. They supported me in my dark state & allowed me to self-heal at my own pace.
Almost everything after the week of my birthday began to trigger me. At times, I still can’t watch TV or listen to music with lyrics, so I find comfort in sitting at my windowsill with my AirPods, listening to Lofi music instead. Being bombarded by emotions that I know aren’t my own is heart-wrenching. Despite starting xodenisejoyce, I sometimes feel compelled to uninstall all of the social media apps from my iPhone.
For a while, I found peace by working out every day. But now, most days, at the gym, I immediately turn off the TV, because commercials, the news, & even screensavers feel triggering. I also mute the music & my spin instructor during Peloton rides. In January, I spent the majority of my booked gym time working out while crying & reflecting on past trauma. But with every tear shed & trauma from my past re-examined, I heal my heart, end toxic cycles, & become happier.
Sadness Leads to Joy
Like the Pixar movie, Inside Out, you need to be sad in order to be happy again. The old me that chooses to block out emotions & prevent myself from feeling any negative emotional baggage that still needs to be healed is finally dead & gone. My gift of magic found me because I was finally the best version of myself, & ready to take it on.
I began teaching myself how to read Tarot in November, but it wasn’t until January that reading energy became exponentially more clear. My heart was still closed in those early months. It also wasn’t until December that my Dad finally told me that my grandmother & he both also read cards. My magical gift is generational, & I know that it finally found me when the timing was right.
Do you believe in magic? Does magic run in your family? Let me know in a comment below.