Healing My Disordered Eating

My therapist recommended writing an email to the two people responsible for my disordered eating habits. She told me to hold them accountable for their horrendous actions towards me. But despite her encouragement to reach out to them, I quickly said no. Honestly, they were at all remorseful of their behavior, they should have apologized to me by now. As a thoughtful and intentional pivot, writing this blog will be just as therapeutic.

Four years ago

Four years ago, these individuals said that me and my body were disgusting. A person that I thought loved me and another woman I had never met wanted to tear apart my self esteem.

In the month that followed, I lost 30 pounds. Through a combination of starvation and willing myself to workout three times a day, I spiraled. In the morning before coffee, midday – instead of eating lunch, and in the evening – after barely taking a few bites of my dinner, I was working out. I don’t deserve to eat. I am so disgustingly fat that I shouldn’t be eating at all. And if I’m lucky, my body will just eat itself until I look better.

Once out of my head and my appetite returned, I could not associate joy with eating anymore. I have terrible indigestion. And this is how I began forcing myself to throw up after meals. Out of fear of eating too much, I get rid of everything in my stomach. I’m still terrified of gaining any weight and making my “disgusting” body obese. I’m unhealthily obsessed with restricting my eating, counting calories, and losing weight. I need to change my mindset around my body and food.

Starting Therapy

This year, I’m going to therapy for my mental health. This is the 1st time in my life that I began reflecting on my disordered eating. My parents and my grandmother shamed and punished me as a child for not finishing my food. I still remember sitting alone at the dining table, after everyone had already finished eating. I was regularly forced to finish my food, despite not feeling hungry anymore. With time, I started to disassociate when eating. To this day, I still often find myself snacking on food when I’m bored or just because it’s in front me and not because I’m actually hungry.

My parents began commenting on my body since I was 11. They feel compelled to encourage me to lose weight by telling me when I’m getting fat. Through some deep reflection, I came to a realization. When I started to gain weight at 11, I was not fat. It was puberty. From being a skinny kid, I suddenly had wider hips and an ample chest. I was literally developing into a young woman. But since I didn’t fit into the stereotypical “skinny” Filipino body type anymore, my family says I’m fat.

Working with an RDN

Two months ago, after discussing my various disordered eating habits and my rigorous workout schedule (+2 mile walks every day, weight training, boxing, HIIT, and running a few times a week) with my therapist, she recommended that I get a referral from my doctor to meet with a Registered Dietician Nutritionist (RDN). It was important to ensure that I was properly nourishing my body. My RDN set a goal for me to eat three balanced meals a day. And while I know that I previously mentioned my Body Dysmorphia in a past blog post, I don’t think I’ve ever truly admitted my disordered eating habits to anyone.

Starving myself whenever I became “too fat” became a pattern throughout my life. In high school, I fasted all day. Even though I had Dance during 3rd period and Cheerleading for my last period and after school every day, I believed that I looked better when I wouldn’t eat. I only had an afternoon snack most days before dinner. And it became a regular occurrence that I would nearly faint in the shower from starving myself all day. In college, I instantly gained the Freshman 15. By the end of my Sophomore year, I was back to starving myself, dancing for 4 hours a day with my college Dance Team (INTRO), and going to the gym for at least 1 hour after dance practice.

Since I immediately put on weight every time I start eating regularly, starving myself felt normal. But my body was essentially in survival mode, because it had become so accustomed to starving all day. In the moments that I was happier and enjoying life, I felt comfortable eating more, especially when entering into a new relationship, going on dates, and traveling. This of course would make me put on weight again, which was followed by my parents and family’s unkind comments. And so, the cycle of “I’m better off starving” continued. 

Reflection

On a road trip up to Mendocino Grove, I remember getting angry at my boyfriend. Not because he had done anything wrong, but because he asked me to estimate how much longer it would take us to arrive with the number of miles to our destination, if he drove at X miles per hour. As someone who is a proud Math nerd, who aced Pre-Cal, Calculus I, Calculus II, and Linear Algebra in college, I became immediately frustrated that I couldn’t calculate his question. The arrival estimations I kept calculating were wrong, and I couldn’t figure out why. He ended up dropping it, but I still feel embarrassed about that moment in the car with him.

The truth is I was in a cycle of starvation at that time. During the pandemic, I didn’t have access to the SoulCycle or RUMBLE Boxing classes that I used to take consistently, and the gym at my apartment complex was closed indefinitely. I had been struggling with my body image for some time by then, and I hadn’t eaten at all that day. I only had a cup of coffee that I didn’t finish, because I got pooped on by a bird, while we were standing in line at the cafe.

My RDN taught me that my body, and my brain especially, need food to function. I will get hangry like I did that day with my boyfriend, when my blood sugar drops so low that my brain can no longer function or regulate my emotions in a way that I normally would. Now, I notice when I have difficulty focusing at work, when I don’t have breakfast. And I recently learned that coffee is an appetite suppressant, so I shouldn’t be having it first thing in the morning to allow myself to feel my body’s hunger cues. Tuning into my body has helped me identify what it feels like to be hungry and also how it feels when I’m getting full, to prevent myself from overeating and causing indigestion issues.

It’s interesting that eating more frequently was the solution. Instead of obsessing over calorie count and being happy about skipping meals, ensuring that I get three balanced meals a day will no longer leave room for me to binge and purge at the end of the day. I know now that carbs are not the enemy. I shouldn’t only be eating protein. And I’m allowed to enjoy a Swedish pancake with lingonberry butter when and if I want one. While what happened to me was incredibly hurtful, I have already forgiven him and myself for the past, and I learned so much because of it.

While I’m only 80% of the way toward fully healing my disordered eating, it’s been over a month since I last purged, and it’s been over three weeks since I’ve thought about purging. And I’m really proud of myself for that.

XO Denise