From my blog archives, “Mean Girl | Why I Got Into Self-Improvement” originally posted on September 20, 2016.
My name is Denise, and I am a former MEAN GIRL.
At my very core, I am self-aware enough to say that I can be a mean girl. (This is also probably why I relate to villains and seem to attract people with similarly shameful pasts.) I can come up with sassy quips and sarcastic comments at the drop of a hat. I don’t always watch my tone when expressing my opinions, and I’ve even made people that I love cry. If you’re finding this hard to believe, then I’m really glad because it means that I’ve done my job. Every day, I find myself actively going against my initial instincts and innate behaviors. I’m definitely not proud of it, but I’ve grown to accept it as part of who I was.
Growing up, I never had issues getting what I wanted. My parents provided me with an amazing childhood. In school, I excelled in all of my classes. I made every dance and sports team that I wanted to join. Cute guys ask me out on dates regularly. I got invited to dances and parties. People were just naturally drawn to me without much effort on my part. A friend of mine, who has a degree in Psychology, categorized me under the “What is beautiful is good” stereotype. (It felt like a backhanded compliment at the time, but I understood his intentions.)
To make things clear, I’ve never been an outright bitch. (Or at least I hope that I haven’t…) Because of the privileges I had been given, I was blind to my own faults. I was placed under an unrealistic spotlight that inevitably lead to complacency. Too smart for my own good, and I’d never known what it felt like to fail. I never feel rejected. I’d never been someone’s second choice. I didn’t know what it felt like to not be good enough. Life was about always putting myself first and doing what was in my best interest over the needs of everyone else. Expressing myself and making decisions without considering how it would affect others, I broke hearts without remorse. I thrived on proving that I was right, even if it meant making someone else feel stupid. (Ok… maybe I was a bitch.)
What I’ve Learned
As I grow older, I actively work to become more self-aware and considerate of others. Now, I consciously weigh every pro and con and consider the benefits and disadvantages for every person involved in my decision making. I also do my best to take every unfortunate situation as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Not only do I want to keep my inner mean girl in check, but I want to become as good of a person as most people perceive me to already be.
I take a genuine interest in every new person I meet, and I hope to consistently benefit the lives of my closest friends and family. It’s a priority to be kind to strangers and be more compassionate and patient. I hope to boost the self-esteem of others and not be afraid to open up and feel vulnerable.
Going forward, I aspire to know better, do better, and be better. I may never be perfect, but I like who I am becoming.