anonymous couple lying on hill at seaside and enjoying sunset time

When You’re “Just a Friend”

“You, you got what I need but you say he’s just a friend. But you say he’s just a friend” – Biz Markie

With the passing of Biz Markie (RIP) on Friday, July 16th, I felt compelled to listen to his smash hit “Just a Friend”. It also inspires today’s blog post. Finding love is so hard nowadays because we’re terrified of cutting off all of our other options & defining a relationship as exclusive. But the longer you collect friends & push away the option that wants to call you their own & be more than friends, the longer it will take you to find true love.

“So please listen to the message that I say

Don’t ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend” – Biz Markie

After my first 2 boyfriends, the boys that I dated in my early 20s only wanted to be friends with benefits or took their sweet time & let me walk away completely for days, weeks, or even months before deciding to finally call me their “girlfriend”. It wasn’t until my late 20s/early 30s that I became more firm with setting my relationship boundaries. After the first few dates, I let my man know that I’m only looking to spend time with someone who’s looking for something real. Young adults need to pull out their dictionary or at the very least Google the definition of friend. A friend is someone with whom you share a mutual affection, excluding sexual relations. Yes, you can hang out & spend time with your friends. But you DO NOT engage in anything sexual with your friends.

Biz Markie warned society in September 1989 when he released his song. Don’t ever talk to someone who says they have a “friend”. Anyone who calls their romantic interests “friends” knows EXACTLY what they’re doing. I don’t recommend ever willingly putting yourself in a love triangle. Because whether you’re chosen over other options or not, it’s not a winning situation any way you try to spin it. If someone you’re dating says you’re a friend or has other people whom they keep in touch with that they are also friends with, without delving deeper into their actual “friendship”. Take it as a major red flag!

You deserve a relationship that is real. The person you end up with should love you & exclaim it proudly because you’re not just their friend. You should be their whole world, & they should be yours! Don’t feel bad for setting boundaries & rejecting new romantic partners because they have a “friend” or only want to label you as their “friend”. Know that you are enough & worthy of an exclusive relationship.

XO Denise

dry rose flower next to broken heart shaped cookie

Karmic Relationships

If you’ve had unsuccessful relationships, know that it’s common to have several relationships in your lifetime. Not everyone immediately meets their soulmate & lives happily ever after with them. While all relationships have their ups & downs, karmic relationships are typically doomed from the start to teach you necessary lessons to become a better person. Different from the well-known, loving relationship of two soulmates, a karmic relationship is often dramatic, tumultuous, & temporary.

Karmic Relationships

I believe that every relationship I’ve entered into so far has been a karmic relationship. I now take ownership of my past karmic behaviors, as I’ve definitely been a karmic partner to others in the past. But the key indicator of a truly loving relationship is genuine care, honesty, kindness, & unconditional love. Here are some examples & key indicators that you’re in a karmic relationship, or you are actually the karmic.

Abuse

Any form of abuse can be present in a karmic relationship, including emotional, financial, physical, psychological, sexual, etc. I am very self-aware. Through reflecting on my past relationships, I can admit that I was physically abusive to one of my exes.

On a road trip, my boyfriend wanted to drive Highway 1 from SoCal back to my home in the San Francisco Bay Area. Being young & impatient, I hated that this transformed a normally 5 hour car ride into a 12+ hour road trip, because he needed to stop several times to take pictures. I was moody & rude to him the entire drive up, because let’s face it, I was selfish.

I hated that he wanted to do what he wanted despite how I felt. At 18 years old, I expected him to bend over backward to make sure I was happy. I basically chose to throw a tantrum like a child in his car. As a way to cheer me up & lighten the mood, he decided to swerve the car back & forth along the road. He laughed as he watched me sway with the car, thinking it was funny & that it would make me smile.

Instead, it made me even more angry. I yelled at him for driving recklessly because another car could come rapidly around one of the turns, cause him to swerve off the road completely & off a cliff, killing us both. I called him annoying & immature, & I started to physically hit him on his arms, back, & shoulders to stop him from swerving in fear for my life & my safety. At the time, I felt justified for being physically abusive towards him, but considering how I behaved that entire day, I can see now that we were both karmic to each other in our karmic relationship.

Cheating

Cheating, emotional or physical cheating on any level, is another indicator of a karmic relationship & karmic behavior. Within the same college relationship, we both cheated on each other. Since he lived in SoCal & I lived in the Bay Area, we were only physically together for about 8 months during the year for school.

The Summer before we broke up, he started cheating on me with his co-worker at the gym he worked at. And the semester before that, I emotionally cheated on him with my TA. By breaking his trust, he no longer trusted me to have any male friends. And while I thought it was ridiculous at the time, I don’t blame him for that anymore. Discovering that he had been cheating on me all Summer with his co-worker a month after we broke up is what hurt the most.

As someone who has emotionally cheated & found out about other options my past boyfriends hid from me, know that entertaining other options & emotionally cheating is just as bad as physically cheating on your partner. If you already have a replacement or possible replacements lined up, you never truly loved your partner or respected your relationship with them.

By learning from emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, I don’t tolerate cheating of any kind. When I’m in a committed relationship, I ignore anyone who slides into my DMs or offers to buy me a drink at a club. Because in order to find a committed partner, I know that I need to fully commit to my partner too.

If my ex boyfriend suddenly has a new girlfriend days or weeks following our breakup, I can now recognize & accept that I was in a karmic relationship. Just as I am faithful & loyal to my current partner, I need & want my partner to choose me & only me.

Insulting & Unsupportive

Karmic relationships are often conditional. If your partner only wants to date you if you act, behave, or look a certain way, you’re probably in a karmic relationship. If your partner endlessly tries to change you, puts you down, or is unsupportive of your hopes & dreams, they’re probably a karmic partner.

As outlined in my Palm Springs blog post, I’ve had a lot of issues with past karmic partners. One of my exes told me that the “sexy” faces I make are unattractive. Another ex was obsessed with me & tried to control everything I did down to how I ate. My other ex told me that I was charging too much for my Oracle & Tarot services right before I decided to launch in February 2021.

But I’m happy to say that going forward, I only want to date someone who loves me exactly as I am. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to control me. And I only want to date someone who supports my ambition, drive, & entrepreneurial mindset. I know what my time & energy is worth. So whether I want to change my career to become an Interior Designer, go back to school for my MBA, or raise my pricing for my Oracle & Tarot services, because I feel overbooked, my future partner will support me & believe in me just as much as I believe in myself.

The Relationship Ends

Karmic relationships are meant to come to an end once the lesson has been fulfilled. They can start out as passionate & all-consuming, then quickly burn out as quickly as they started. So considering that I’m still single & none of my past relationships have lasted, I can only assume that they were all karmic.

For a long time, I was a firm believer in not giving second chances. As someone who believes in true, unconditional love, my heart has been dragged through the mud, stabbed, & stolen without my love being returned more times that I’d like to admit. Now I’ve learned that while I’m still allowed to love unconditionally, getting a second chance to win my heart is a privilege. I should never continue to give love to a person or a situation if it compromises my integrity.

Have you ever been in a Karmic Relationship? How did it end? And what did you learn from it? Let me know in a comment below.

XO Denise

SOURCES

MindBodyGreen

eclipse digital wallpaper

Eclipse: The Sun & The Moon

“The Sun loved the Moon so much he died every night to let her breathe.”

Last week, I came across the entire Twilight saga on Hulu, & I felt compelled to watch it all: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, & Breaking Dawn Part 1 & Part 2. I read the books while I was in college over a decade ago, but I haven’t thought much about the Twilight Saga since then. It felt very timely, since this last Wednesday, May 26th, 2021, we had a total lunar eclipse.

A total lunar eclipse occurs when the Moon & the Sun are on exact opposite sides of the Earth. A total lunar eclipse only occurs every four to five years. Despite the Moon being in the Earth’s shadow, sunlight is still able to reach the Moon as it passes through Earth’s atmosphere, filtering out blue light. This makes the Moon appear red, also known as a “Blood” Moon. Do you get the relation to the Twilight saga yet?

When the Moon moves between the Sun & the Earth, it blocks the light of the Sun from reaching Earth, also known as a solar eclipse. The last time we had a full solar eclipse was July 2, 2019, & we won’t have another until April 8th, 2024. This dance of the Earth, coming between the Moon, & the Sun reminds me of long-distance relationships and how circumstances that are beyond your control can affect your connection with your partner.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

The quote “The Sun loved the Moon so much he dies every night to let her breathe.”, the Pixar short film, Day & Night, & the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler recently struck a chord in me. The Sun & the Moon have an incredibly romantic yet tragic love story. The Sun & the Moon have minimal time together in the sky at dusk & dawn. The Moon passes in front of the Sun once every 29.5 days, which we know as a New Moon, & solar eclipses only occur two to four times a year.

It is in the Sun & the Moon’s bigger purpose that makes their need to be apart tragic. The Sun gives us energy. It allows life on Earth to grow & thrive. The moon moves our oceans as well as controls our climate with its gravitational pull that shifts the Earth’s axis. Like the Universe, relationships involve different entities that are constantly changing, evolving, & in motion. If you’re mindful & aware of your intuition, you know when you or your partner is in darkness, but what we can learn from the Sun & the Moon is that separation doesn’t have to affect or control the quality of your relationship.

The Sun & the Moon have minimal time, when they are completely aligned & seen together. There’s a reason why humans are obsessed with eclipses & the energy that surrounds them. We’re all well aware that it’s a special occurrence that needs to be enjoyed & cherished. Similar to a long-distance relationship, any time in person is better than time apart. If the sun & the moon can make things work, a long-distance albeit true, soul-connection between two people can work too. They can each take a step back to let the other shine in the spotlight. Then whenever they’re aligned & the timing is right, they reconnect. And when they do, the whole world stops to watch them.

The Twilight Saga

I am about to spoil the Twilight Saga books & the movies, so feel free to stop reading now, if you haven’t read or watched them & still want to. But I really don’t care whether or not you like the Twilight Saga, because as a writer, it has some of the best literary archetypes as well as Moon metaphors in it:

The Star-Crossed Lovers

Twilight is the time between night & sunrise. Bella is a human who falls in love with a vampire. Similar to the Sun & the Moon, Edward needs to stay in the shadows & out of the sunlight. But Bella, like the Sun, is the bright & shiny new girl in town, who has all eyes constantly on her. For all intents and purposes, Edward tries his best to push Bella away & prove to her that he’s bad & no good for her. Ultimately, he realizes that no matter how hard he tries to stay away for her own good, their connection is magnetic & their gravitational pull toward each other is uncontrollably strong. No matter how far away he tries to run from her, she’s still in his head & pulling at his heartstrings, until he ultimately gives in & surrenders to his love for her.

The Fall

After what seems like a happy, stable relationship in Twilight, New Moon brings in the Fall. Not only does it start in the season of Fall, but it’s the Fall of Bella, Edward, & their relationship. Edward decides that he has to leave & breaks up with Bella the day after her birthday in New Moon. He lies to her, saying that he doesn’t love her, never did, & that he doesn’t want her anymore for her own safety. Bella immediately falls into a deep depression. She becomes emotionally numb & stays that way for months, unsure if her love with Edward was ever real. The second book is appropriately named New Moon, signifying Bella’s new life cycle, without Edward by her side.

Death & Rebirth

Bella “dies” & is reborn a few times throughout the Twilight saga. In Twilight, Edward has to suck out the vampire venom from her blood without killing her. Bella sees & feels death, but she miraculously survives because of Edward’s willpower. In New Moon, Bella dies then has to relearn how to live her life without Edward. In Breaking Dawn, Bella dies then is finally reborn as a vampire. She willingly accepts her new immortal destiny, because she’d rather spend eternity with him than remain human.

The Battle Between Good & Evil

Even Vampires have light & dark counterparts, Jacob’s werewolf pack & the Cullen family join forces in Eclipse & again in Breaking Dawn to build an army to defend themselves over “eviler” groups of vampires. The third book, Eclipse, demonstrates the light & dark coming together. The final book, or two-part movie, Breaking Dawn, showcases a new day & a brighter future for everyone. Despite their differences, vampires & werewolves were able to reach an understanding for the greater good, because they’re stronger together than apart.

We can all learn from the Sun & the Moon. Two individuals can be independent, strong, & unique by themselves, but when their connection is undeniable, everyone will be able to take a step back & see that they’re better & even more special when they are together. The Sun & the Moon only spend brief moments with one another, but their long-distance relationship works. Their sporadic & short encounters are so magical that it makes all the waiting & time spent apart, shining & glowing on their own, worth it. How can you bring that same energy into your relationship?

XO Denise

SOURCES

NASA

white l o v e led signage

What is Love?

Unconditional love feels magical. Too often, individuals focus on what they want from their partner, instead of accepting their partner as they are. With my Cartomancy, Oracle, & Tarot love readings, I teach my clients to stay rational & loves themselves, because it’s important to not become too attached to a specific outcome. When you’re blinded by love, you ignore red flags. It’s not my job to confirm or deny if the individual that you’re asking about is your person. But I give you the advice to help you decide if your partner in question is worth the pain & heartache.

About a month ago, I updated the bio on my personal Instagram to “1 Corinthians 13: 4-8”. I’ve loved this bible verse since the first time I heard it. Even if you’re not Catholic or Christian, it’s safe to agree that it’s a beautiful way to describe love. I use it today as a guide for my thought process.

Love is patient.

If your person is pressuring you to be physically intimate, commit, get a pet, or have children before you’re ready, they do not love you. Your true love will never rush you or want to make you feel anything but comfortable & safe with them. Someone who loves you understands if you’re not ready. Taking intimacy to the next level or taking a huge, milestone step forward when the time is right is important. Your person is patient & willing to wait until you’re ready. They don’t force you to do something that scares you or will make you unhappy.

Love is kind.

Someone who loves you is not mean to you or anyone you love. To be clear, in moments that they’re playfully teasing you, they’ll go out of their way to reassure you that they always mean well & would never purposely hurt or be malicious towards you.

I dated someone who told me that my sister was annoying & self-centered. I immediately came to my sister’s defense, since he only spent time with her when she was visiting me at school. My sister would talk a lot because she was updating me about her life since we lived apart for the majority of the year. His unkind comments about her when she wasn’t around were unwarranted & not true. Another unkind memory from an ex is being told that the erotic & seductive faces I make “in the bedroom” are very unattractive. Thinking about that insult gives me anxiety, & it still makes me self-conscious about the way I look whenever I’m about to be intimate with someone new.

Love does not envy.

I dated someone who would cry & call themselves dumb whenever he would fail & I got an A on an exam or a paper for the same class. Someone who loves you will not make you feel guilty for being you. They will want to celebrate your successes in school or your career. They’re not intimidated by the amazing qualities that you possess that make you, YOU.

Love does not boast.

When I worked as a Bank Teller, men would flaunt their money to make me go “weak in the knees” far too often. I also dated someone who bragged about how good he looked naked after losing 30 lbs, inviting me to watch him change every chance he got. But love is not proud or self-seeking, & it does not shame others. Being attractive & wealthy is one thing, but showing off or thinking that you’re better than others is unnecessary. In my opinion, acting in this manner is just a mask to cover up how insecure they potentially are on the inside.

Love isnt easily angered.

Someone I dated walked out on me, despite having a broken ankle, because I was watching a video from a dance battle, where my dance crew beat his. He didn’t even bother to tell me to not watch it in front of him or that he was upset. He just up & left with no warning or communication that I had done anything wrong. I also dated someone who got upset when I no longer wanted him to control my diet any longer. Someone who loves you will be willing to talk to you about an issue that hurts or upsets them before getting angry.

Using my favorite bible verse, while reflecting on my past loves helped me easily decipher who truly loved me & who did not, so I hope that it helps you too. Love at its best is selfless care & respect. A person who truly loves you will always respect your boundaries over their own desires.

Someone who loves you buys your favorite snacks on a road trip without being asked. They insist on bringing you a care package with medicine & personal care remedies when you’re sick. Your love prepares a plate for you when you’re too preoccupied to ensure you eat. They defend & protect you, even when you’re not around. If your person repeatedly hurts or mistreats you in any of the ways listed above, it’s safe to say that they do not love you. Learn the difference between what love is and is not, because unconditional love is not the same as unconditional tolerance.

XO Denise

sakura tree

How To Be Emotionally Available

Most relationship bloggers I come across always write about “How To Deal with an Emotionally Unavailable Man”. Today, I want to switch the perspective to focus on you. Because if you’re attracting emotionally unavailable partners, the bigger root of the issue is that you’re most likely not emotionally available either. You attract partners who match your energy & vibe. Don’t immediately blame your partner for their emotional unavailability. Take a close look at yourself in the mirror, & realize that your heart isn’t healed, open to new love, or ready for an unconditionally loving relationship either. It’s time to learn how to be emotionally available!

Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners

I have a long history of choosing emotionally unavailable partners. I proactively stayed single until I was 18 years old. As a college-bound nerd, I didn’t even want to think about actually having a boyfriend in school. I didn’t date anyone until after securing my 3.8 GPA & getting my early acceptance into the University of California system. But waiting until I was 18, didn’t actually help me much in the dating department. Instead, I was too young & unsure of who I was or what I even wanted in a boyfriend.

Over time, I learned that having a crush isn’t a good reason to get into a relationship. In fact, it’s during the early stages of infatuation that you need to stay the most alert. Always stay rational to ensure you’re not just getting swept up by your hormones.

To be emotionally available, you need to be just that. You have to let yourself feel your emotions but not let them cloud your judgment. Allow your partner to move through their emotions, empathize with how they feel, & reassure them that their feelings are valid. This is also emotional intelligence. When you’re emotionally intelligent, you open your heart to love & allow others to open their heart to you without fear.

Be Yourself

No matter how terrifying it is to be intimate & vulnerable, be yourself. If you’re putting up a facade to keep someone interested, you’re asking for trouble. Let’s consider my favorite Disney movie, Aladdin. Princess Jasmine developed feelings for him as a poor, thieving, street rat, but Aladdin refuses to listen to Genie’s encouragement to be himself. Instead, he creates an elaborate scheme to make Jasmine believe his lies as Prince Ali Ababwa. By being himself & telling the truth, he would have prevented so much unnecessary conflict. No matter how long & hard you try to pretend to be someone you’re not, your mask will eventually fall off. Let your partner see your true colors.

In my worst relationships, I would betray myself out of desperation & not wanting to be alone. I changed my appearance, my diet, my hobbies, & my lifestyle to become whomever my partner wanted me to be. Instead of staying true to myself, I dyed my hair blonde, straightened my hair, got expensive blowouts, wore tons of makeup, got eyelash extensions, & ate Paleo. I also learned how to breakdance, pop & lock, do Tae Kwon Do, & rock climb to “convince” my partners to fall deeply in love with me.

In my best relationship, he loved the natural texture of my hair, so I embraced my natural curls. Wearing makeup 24/7 to cover up my birthmark or freckles was unnecessary because he already saw me without makeup the weekend that we met. He made me feel irresistible & sexy while wearing basketball shorts or sweats. No guilt-tripping me into staying home with him instead. He was genuinely happy for me when I’d go to brunch, wine tastings, basketball games, concerts, or stand-up comedy shows with my friends & siblings. He encouraged my healthy habits of regularly attending RUMBLE boxing & SoulCycle classes. I could enjoy what I love to do & look however I wanted & still feel beautiful & perfect to him.

Love Unconditionally

Lastly, learn to love your partner unconditionally. If you’ve never been truly emotionally available, you’re setting yourself up to be loved by partners who put up a facade. They keep their options open, just in case, & keep secrets, & to control the relationship & you at all costs. Being emotionally available is taking a true leap of faith to allow another individual to love & see the real you. Open your heart to someone who wants to fall in love with all of your darkness & ugly sides, just as much as your beautiful ones. Even in your ugliest moments, trust that your partner will empathize & stay because being truly emotional available starts with you.

XO Denise

i hate nothing about you with red heart light

Love is All You Need

The song Love Is All You Need by The Beatles has helped me get through the darkest times of my life. It’s a timeless classic that I play in my head or sing to my pug, Pogi, when we cuddle. If you’ve never heard it or don’t like this song, I want to invite you to really listen to the lyrics. This song is NOT saying that all you need is “romantic” love the way other songs preach. In life, all you need is love… for yourself, for others, & for the world.

Manifest & Pray with Love

Every morning & every evening, I pray & ask God to bless everyone in the world. In the past, my prayers were only wishes for myself, my family, my friends, & our pets. While manifesting teaches us to focus on what YOU want to manifest into your life, I feel the most fulfilled when my prayers & manifestations come from a place of unconditional love for the highest good of everyone in the world.

Changing my lacking mindset into immense gratitude has changed the way I see the world & my place in it. While I still manifest for myself, I’m more fulfilled when I pray for abundance, healing, good health, & peace for everyone.

Here’s my general prayer checklist:

  • Please bless everyone in the world & help ensure that we are all happy & healthy.
  • For anyone without food or shelter, please grant those who come across them with compassion, generosity, & kindness.
  • Anyone who is suffering from old age or illness, please grant them with the divine grace of healing.
  • For anyone who it is their time to pass, grant healing to their loved ones who are suffering from loss.
  • Please bless all of my enemies & all the enemies of others around the world.
  • For anyone who is sending out hate & darkness, please transmute that energy into love & light. Then send it back to them. May they heal their hearts & minds, become the best possible version of themselves, & find peace in their own life.

Spread Love & Peace

Love is All You Need is about filling your life with love & peace. It was released during the Summer of Love in 1967. If you’re not familiar, it was a social phenomenon that brought together nearly 100,000 hippies, originating in San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury. It spread up & down the West Coast & across the United States to New York City. With our nation being as divided as ever, I hope to remind us all to learn from our past.

Why restrict love & peace to a single Summer? There was the Second Summer of Love, & San Francisco celebrated the 40th & 50th Anniversary of the Summer of Love. But still, try to always be a beacon of unconditional love & proactively choose to spread peace to everyone.

In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Don’t let any differences of opinion cloud your judgment. Don’t start unnecessary arguments, physical fights, or even war. People who are cruel are often suffering beneath the surface because only hurt people choose to hurt people. Instead of acting out of revenge or spite, try to always choose to bless your enemies. Learn from your hate, because we all deserve to live with love in our hearts & minds in peace & harmony.

XO Denise