green palm tree

Palm Springs

The movie Palm Springs on Hulu was one of my favorite movies that I watched in 2020. If you have access to Hulu, I highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it yet. Don’t worry – I promise to not spoil it for anyone. Similar to Groundhog Day & Happy Death Day, the main characters in Palm Springs are in a time loop living the same day over & over again. Recently re-watching Palm Springs brings to light my karmic cycles & my journey to heal, learn my soul lessons, & ultimately release myself from repeating my toxic past.

Karma

Karma in its simplest form is the spiritual law of cause & effect. The two phrases “What goes around comes around.” & “You reap what you sow.” describe it best. Our karmic cycles occur because everything that you do generates karma, whether good or bad. The Wheel of Fortune is another good example. In Tarot, when the Wheel of Fortune is upright, the wheel is turning in your favor. When the Wheel of Fortune is in reverse, your poor decisions are coming back around to haunt you. Hopefully, sharing my past, toxic cycles that I’ve repeated will help bring your own karmic cycles to light. My punishments for bad karma have stayed pretty consistent throughout my life. They usually have to do with driving or car issues.

I will openly admit that I am not the best driver. Even though I got my driving learner’s permit at 16 years old, I was in no rush to get my Driver’s License. In fact, I renewed my permit three times, & I failed my behind-the-wheel driving test three times. Yes, you read that correctly. It took 4 behind-the-wheel tests to get my Driver’s License. lol Anyway, let’s get into the cycles of my karmic past.

My Karmic Cycles

Karmic Cycle 1

I only dated my 1st boyfriend for 3 months. After one week, I didn’t see a future for us, but I continued to date & use him all Summer. I let him tell me that he loved me, buy me presents, & think that we’d be together forever. In the end, I broke up with him via email, because there was no nice way to keep up my charade.

My Karma

For using him & taking his love & kindness for granted all Summer, I failed my behind-the-wheel driving test 3 times.

Karmic Cycle 2

My 1st boyfriend in college shared an email account with me. The Summer before our breakup, he forgot that we shared access to it. After we broke up, I signed into that email address to confirm cancellations of other joint accounts we shared; only to see a long chain of emails between him & his new girlfriend. They had been hanging out behind my back for months. They were co-workers at the gym he worked at over the Summer. It made me sick to my stomach. Because I flew down to visit & spend quality time with him mid-Summer, while they were clearly already romantically involved.

Even though that should have been triggering enough to make me walk away, the following week I continued to log into the email account to read their long-distance emails to each other. I hated that he decided to never tell me that he had been cheating on me all Summer. In those few weeks after school started again, they added each other on MySpace, & I started lurking her MySpace too. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I confronted her in a MySpace message. I learned that he never told her about me, & that was the final straw that made me walk away & let them have each other for good.

My Karma

For invading his privacy & confronting his new girlfriend, I scratched my front bumper when parking too close to a light post.

Karmic Cycle 3

The next guy I dated had an “ex-girlfriend” who created a fake Facebook to lurk me. I brought the issue up to him, & he handled it quickly. But I put “ex-girlfriend” in quotes because I honestly still don’t know if she was actually his ex. He might have just told me that when he was still in fact her long-distance boyfriend. I hate that I chose to keep dating someone who was clearly disrespecting another woman in his life. Just how I acted with my previous ex & his new girlfriend, she was obsessed with finding out more about me.

My Karma

For continuing to date a boy who was sneaky & disrespectful, my car battery died three times that semester.

Karmic Cycle 4

I dated the previous guy’s close friend soon afterward. I didn’t think much of it since neither of them seemed to care. But in an early conversation, he confessed that his female best friend on campus looks exactly like his ex. He even introduced me to her, & I immediately knew that she was in love with him. She had a boyfriend of her own back home though. Instead of paying attention to the red flags, I continued to date him, thinking I could help him heal his heart. I thought that he’ll eventually be so thankful that he’d want to be with me over other options.

My Karma

For dating someone who needed to heal, my best friend crashed her car into mine, as I was rushing to leave a house party to hook up with him. We never hooked up that night or ever again.

Karmic Cycle 5

The next guy I dated on & off during my senior year of college. We became official only a week before I graduated. Because he thought he could trust me, he shared the primary password that he used for all of his accounts. But one day, he left his laptop at my house as he rushed off to class. I am so embarrassed to say that I betrayed his trust. Regretfully, I logged into his laptop & ended up reading his entire AIM history with his ex-girlfriend. I also logged into his Facebook, & read a conversation with his Dad about wanting to break up with me.

The universe allowed me to see these things so that I could walk away with my dignity intact. Invading my boyfriend’s privacy was terrible on my part. He wasn’t respecting me or our relationship by using me to make his ex jealous & want to get back together. I do not recommend that anyone lurk, hack, or betray your partner’s trust the way I did to my boyfriend.

He was the last person that I ever did this to. I learned that if you go looking for the bad in someone, you’ll probably end up finding it. What he told me was him wanting to visit me to “make up” for our horrible Valentine’s Day weekend together was actually him wanting to break up with me in person. Even after waking up late, having his back tires blow out, & having to have his car towed over 90 miles, he was determined to break my heart. That’s why after we broke up & I found out that he was already pursuing someone from his dance crew, I deleted all of his friends from Facebook. I confronted his new love interest via Facebook message too.

My Karma

For invading his privacy, deleting his friends, & confronting his new girlfriend, I had to have my timing belt replaced, all four of my tires replaced, & my struts replaced. It was a ridiculous amount of money that I was not prepared to spend.

Karmic Cycle 6

I used my next boyfriend to get over my previous ex & also make him jealous because my new man was taller, more handsome, & much more fit. This was the boyfriend that quickly ended up becoming obsessed with me. Instead of driving us safely, he was too busy staring at me, trying to kiss my hand, & asking me if I was ok every few minutes. He regularly ran red lights & stop signs, because he needed to “take in my beauty” when all I wanted was for him to watch the road. The worst of it was a car accident that hit my passenger side door, because of his negligence. He was in the military, so he was deployed soon after the accident. While I regret letting our relationship drag on, I didn’t want to break up with him while he was miserable on a ship.

My Karma

For using him, my car ended up getting into a hit & run while it was parked in the street in front of my home.

Karmic Cycle 7

This next guy I didn’t even really date. lol My best friend tried to set me up with her co-worker, & he was cute so I figured why not. After our 1st date, he apparently got the vibe that I just wanted to be friends. But instead of walking away, I desperately tried to change his mind. We went to see a movie together that ended up being super awkward because I kept trying to create chemistry by sitting close to him, putting my head on his shoulder, placing my hand close to his so that he’d want to hold it, etc.

In the end, it was so obvious that there was zero chemistry between us. I then found out that he liked & started dating his co-worker, which my best friend neglected to tell me about, while I was still throwing myself at him. Even knowing that we had no spark, I was in denial & embarrassingly meddled between him & his new girlfriend for months.

My Karma

For trying to force chemistry & meddling, I was rear-ended by another car that ultimately caused a four-car pile-up.

Karmic Cycle 8

This was the return of my ex-boyfriend from Karmic Cycle Number 5. While he apologized for breaking up with me to date someone else, I never admitted that I invaded his privacy, deleted his Facebook friends, or confronted his girlfriend. During these on & off again years, he was talking to several other girls, ghosted me, & reappeared only to be dating his co-worker like nothing was wrong.

My Karma

For never apologizing & telling the truth as well as not walking away when I was being treated as an option, my car was broken into & I completely lost my car keys.

Karmic Cycle 9

The next guy I dated repeated so many of the previous red flags from other karmic cycles. He had an ex who was stalking me. There were also a ton of other options that I would allow to come & go while we were dating. He even fell in love with an engaged woman, who he stayed in contact with after their affair ended. She also even continued to text him after having her husband’s baby. Then, he ultimately got a girlfriend in a different state, even after hooking up with me only one week prior.

My Karma

For ignoring all the red flags from the universe begging me to recognize that he was not my person, my car got towed, & I got 2 nails in one of my back tires. I also had a brand new tire blow out on me because I was emotional & distracted making a left turn too close to the center median. I messed up my front bumper on a pole because I was distracted when reversing out of a parking spot. And lastly, I had an internal brake light error in my car that took over a month to fix.

The dealership didn’t have any loaner vehicles nor did they offer to pay for a rental. I was carless for over a month, but it felt like the entire Summer. Despite my own brother working at the car dealership, zero progress was ever made. No matter how many times they took apart & put my car back together, the brake light just wouldn’t turn off.

Karmic Cycle 10

This next guy I didn’t date either. I met him on a hike with a Social Club that I joined in 2019. We quickly became buddies & started scheduling & coordinating events to see each other regularly. That Summer, I bought a new BMW 330i, & I decided to adopt a pug puppy. He had a pug in the past that he ended up giving away because he traveled too much. He offered to take care of my pug whenever I’d go out of town because he knew that I traveled quite often too. Our conversations suddenly revolved around this idea of a “joint pug custody”.

After we FaceTimed & chose a pug, I suddenly felt like we were going way too fast & our friendship was super odd. I barely knew him enough to want to share a dog with him. To be cautious, I proposed that we hang out outside of our Social Club to which he immediately accused me of using my BMW & my pug to seduce him & make him want to date me. I was so shocked. I denied his accusation & told him that if that’s the type of person he thinks I am, we don’t even need to be friends. As an olive branch, I did let him watch my pug once, but our friendship completely dissipated over time.

My Karma

For ignoring the red flags, the window of my BMW got smashed the day after I bought it. I take it now as a sign from the universe that this guy never had good intentions towards me.

Karmic Cycle 11

I unexpectedly met my next man a few weeks later on a Labor Day camping trip. I only planned to go camping, because the guy from my previous karmic cycle convinced me & my sister to sign up. While I love hiking & spending time in nature, I’m not super outdoorsy. Especially when it comes to freezing overnight in a tent, it’s not my idea of fun. I was dreading seeing him again, but it was too late to cancel. In the end, meeting my next man that weekend made enduring the cold shoulder & snarky comments from my karmic number 10 worth it.

The Good

After we met, I took my time to get to know my new man & embraced creating a solid foundation as friends. We didn’t have a “define the relationship” conversation until three months after we were seeing each other at least once a week. While I was afraid & unsure, I took a leap of faith because his communication & vibes made it easy for me to trust him. We are very honest about what we think about each other & more importantly how we feel about each other. We promised to continue to be honest & strive to do right by one another.

For the majority of our relationship, it was effortlessly magical. We had so many intimate moments together talking about anything & everything. We were constantly laughing, learning & teaching each other new things, sharing our favorite movies & TV shows, trying out new recipes, sending each other funny memes & videos, & creating our own inside jokes. I felt comfortable & safe in his presence, so it was so easy for me to give him his space & respect his privacy. He also spent a lot of quality time with my friends & family. And during my time of the month, he’s understanding & never makes me feel guilty about preferring to be alone while hormonal & moody.

The Bad

Unlike my past karmic cycles, other women never phase me. But the night of his birthday that I was emotionally triggered by two Instagram Stories & a Venmo payment. That night, I had a full-blown panic attack that night because he still had my heart. I picked out the perfect birthday present for him, after a full week of researching online after a deep conversation we had tanning by my rooftop pool. I bought him local hone, for his allergies when I went apple picking with my friends a few days prior. And the night before his birthday, we even texted about his birthday celebration plans. I wished him a happy birthday as soon as I woke up, & I was so excited that he loved his present when it arrived that afternoon.

As I replay the days prior, I was emotionally triggered because I loved him more in our 13 months together than I’ve loved anyone else. Even though I wanted to let my emotions pass & talk to him about it directly, my friend who recently had a bad breakup manipulated me in my emotional state into breaking up with him the next morning. She also encouraged & enabled my ultimate relapse into my previous toxic behaviors of confronting & lurking other women in the days that followed. In the end, I betrayed myself by not listening to my own heart & instincts. I don’t blame anyone else for my mistakes. Even though I’ve forgiven myself for what happened, I still regret my actions that night & in the weeks that followed.

My Karma

While my heart wishes that I ran down the street to fight for him, I know that I love him too much to be selfish. Instead, I continue to push aside my feelings. Mistakes were made because I listened to the opinions of others instead of following my heart. I hate that I ended things without having an honest, open conversation.

Despite thinking about reaching out now, I love him too much to settle with a place in his life as just a friend. For never telling him that I loved him, lurking, confronting other women, & letting him walk away, I got a nail in one of my back tires the morning I was supposed to drive him to the airport. I drove his car to the airport that morning instead, but we discovered that I somehow also got a nail in one of his back tires, when he returned. The battery in my car key also died, which I didn’t even realize was possible.

Ending my Karmic Cycles

I sincerely apologize for my mistakes. But I also forgive myself, & I’m moving on. I’m not proud of my past karmic cycles. But I’m grateful for the soul lessons that I desperately need to learn. I can finally recognize my toxic behaviors & stop myself before I cross a line. I’ve learned too much to make the same immature mistakes in a future relationship.

While I recommend evaluating your own karmic cycles, I hope you’re also able to learn from mine. Don’t be afraid to admit & reflect on your past mistakes. Because it’s the only way to truly change for the better & heal. Do your best to be mindful of your own patterns, stay aware of your toxic behaviors, & release any negative energy. Trust your own instincts & follow your heart. Don’t let the opinions of others cloud your judgment. Like in Palm Springs, it takes courage & a leap of faith to break through your patterns to stop repeating your karmic cycles.

XO Denise

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