Most relationship bloggers I come across always write about “How To Deal with an Emotionally Unavailable Man”. Today, I want to switch the perspective to focus on you. Because if you’re attracting emotionally unavailable partners, the bigger root of the issue is that you’re most likely not emotionally available either. You attract partners who match your energy & vibe. Don’t immediately blame your partner for their emotional unavailability. Take a close look at yourself in the mirror, & realize that your heart isn’t healed, open to new love, or ready for an unconditionally loving relationship either. It’s time to learn how to be emotionally available!
Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners
I have a long history of choosing emotionally unavailable partners. I proactively stayed single until I was 18 years old. As a college-bound nerd, I didn’t even want to think about actually having a boyfriend in school. I didn’t date anyone until after securing my 3.8 GPA & getting my early acceptance into the University of California system. But waiting until I was 18 didn’t actually help me much in the dating department. Instead, I was too young & unsure of who I was or what I even wanted in a boyfriend.
Over time, I learned that having a crush isn’t a good enough reason to get into a relationship. In fact, it’s during the early stages of infatuation that you need to stay the most alert. Always stay rational to ensure you’re not just getting swept up by your emotions & hormones.
To be emotionally available, you need to be just that. You have to let yourself feel your emotions but not let them cloud your judgment. Allow your partner to move through their emotions, empathize with how they feel, & reassure them that their feelings are valid. This is also emotional intelligence. When you’re emotionally intelligent, you open your heart to love & allow others to open their heart to you without fear.
No matter how terrifying it is to be intimate & vulnerable, be yourself. If you’re putting up a facade to keep someone interested, you’re asking for trouble. Let’s consider my favorite Disney movie, Aladdin. Princess Jasmine developed feelings for him as a poor, thieving, street rat, but Aladdin refuses to listen to Genie’s encouragement to be himself. Instead, he creates an elaborate scheme to make Jasmine believe his lies as Prince Ali Ababwa. By being himself & telling the truth, he would have prevented so much unnecessary conflict. No matter how long & hard you try to pretend to be someone you’re not, your mask will eventually fall off. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see your true colors.
In my worst relationships, I would betray myself out of desperation & not wanting to be alone. I changed my appearance, my diet, my hobbies, & my lifestyle to become whomever my partner wanted me to be. Instead of staying true to myself, I dyed my hair blonde, straightened my hair, got expensive blowouts, wore tons of makeup, got eyelash extensions, & ate Paleo. I also learned how to breakdance, pop & lock, do Tae Kwon Do, & rock climb to “convince” my partners to fall deeply in love with me.
In my best relationship, he loved the natural texture of my hair, so I embraced my natural curls. Wearing makeup 24/7 to cover up my birthmark or freckles was unnecessary because he already saw me without makeup the weekend that we met. He made me feel irresistible & sexy while wearing basketball shorts or sweats. And he never guilt-tripped me into staying home with him instead of going out. He was genuinely happy for me when I’d go to brunch, wine tastings, basketball games, concerts, or stand-up comedy shows with my friends & siblings. He encouraged my healthy habits of regularly attending RUMBLE boxing & SoulCycle classes. I could enjoy what I love to do & look however I wanted & still feel beautiful & perfect to him.
Lastly, learn to love your partner unconditionally. If you’ve never been truly emotionally available, you’re setting yourself up to be loved by partners who put up a facade. No one wants a partner who keeps their options open, just in case, & keeps secrets to control the relationship & you at all costs. Being emotionally available is taking a true leap of faith to allow another individual to love & see the real you. Open your heart to someone who wants to fall in love with all of your darkness & ugly sides, just as much as your beautiful ones. Even in your ugliest moments, trust that your partner will empathize & stay because being truly emotional available starts with you.