Tag: Communication

Confessions of a Former Mean Girl

From my blog archives, “Mean Girl | Why I Got Into Self-Improvement” originally posted on September 20, 2016.

My name is Denise, and I am a former MEAN GIRL. 

At my very core, I am self-aware enough to say that I can be a mean girl. (This is also probably why I relate to villains and seem to attract people with similarly shameful pasts.) I can come up with sassy quips and sarcastic comments at the drop of a hat. I don’t always watch my tone when expressing my opinions, and I’ve even made people that I love cry. If you’re finding this hard to believe, then I’m really glad because it means that I’ve done my job. Every day, I find myself actively going against my initial instincts and innate behaviors. I’m definitely not proud of it, but I’ve grown to accept it as part of who I was. 

My Childhood

Growing up, I never had issues getting what I wanted. My parents provided me with an amazing childhood. In school, I excelled in all of my classes. I made every dance and sports team that I wanted to join. Cute guys ask me out on dates regularly. I got invited to dances and parties. People were just naturally drawn to me without much effort on my part. A friend of mine, who has a degree in Psychology, categorized me under the “What is beautiful is good” stereotype. (It felt like a backhanded compliment at the time, but I understood his intentions.)

To make things clear, I’ve never been an outright bitch. (Or at least I hope that I haven’t…) Because of the privileges I had been given, I was blind to my own faults. I was placed under an unrealistic spotlight that inevitably lead to complacency. Too smart for my own good, and I’d never known what it felt like to fail. I never feel rejected. I’d never been someone’s second choice. I didn’t know what it felt like to not be good enough. Life was about always putting myself first and doing what was in my best interest over the needs of everyone else. Expressing myself and making decisions without considering how it would affect others, I broke hearts without remorse. I thrived on proving that I was right, even if it meant making someone else feel stupid. (Ok… maybe I was a bitch.)

What I’ve Learned

As I grow older, I actively work to become more self-aware and considerate of others. Now, I consciously weigh every pro and con and consider the benefits and disadvantages for every person involved in my decision making. I also do my best to take every unfortunate situation as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Not only do I want to keep my inner mean girl in check, but I want to become as good of a person as most people perceive me to already be.

 I take a genuine interest in every new person I meet, and I hope to consistently benefit the lives of my closest friends and family. It’s a priority to be kind to strangers and be more compassionate and patient. I hope to boost the self-esteem of others and not be afraid to open up and feel vulnerable.

Going forward, I aspire to know better, do better, and be better. I may never be perfect, but I like who I am becoming. 

XO Denise

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Why I Blog

From my blog archives with a few edits, THIS IS WHY I BLOG originally posted on August 26, 2016.

I will be the first to admit that I grew up extremely nerdy & absolutely LOVED school! Every morning, I woke up eager to learn, & I couldn’t get enough. I still remember days I’d cry because I was forced to stay home because I was too sick. I was so proud of having perfect attendance, & I didn’t realize there was even the option to not do your homework until I was in high school. At one point, I even asked my parents to enroll me in summer school programs. Even when I was already excelling beyond my grade level, I wanted to attend school all year round. I still highly value education and do my best to continue to learn in every aspect of my life. Hopefully this gives you enough background to where my story begins.

Learning HTML

When I was 11 years old, I taught myself HTML. (Yes, you read that correctly. I taught myself HTML when I was 11 years old.) While other typical 6th grade girls were concerned about their acne, braces, & getting their crush to notice them, I created my first website.

My first website was called “Neecie’s Mystic Universe”. (I know right? My eleven year old self was IN LOVE with that one! LOL) The layout was simple, & the font was adorable & rainbow colored. My content included a lengthy biography describing myself (hair color, eye color, my likes & dislikes, etc.), random fictional stories & poems I had written. I also made these digital dolls (pictured below) that I would create and/or customize by request. 

It was hosted by angelfire.com (now angelfire.lycos.com apparently?). And despite the constant, annoying pop up ads, I was so proud of it & myself! I completely wrote the HTML code. The website design & content was created & shared by me. Not many eleven year olds at the time could say that. I eagerly logged on every day to see numbers on my guest counter go up & check for any new entries in my guest book.

 Keep in mind, at this time, my parents limited my computer usage. (As any good parent should with all the technology preventing kids from playing outside nowadays!) I only had 2 hour blocks of time on the computer, according to a schedule that my dad had created. I’d beg my siblings to give me their computer time slots. My younger brother always gave up his time willingly as he never wanted to use it anyway, but my older sister often said no just to spite me. (Mind you, she wouldn’t even use her time on the computer. She just didn’t want to let me have hers! Older sisters… So mean!)

Silly Little Girl

The summer before I started high school, I decided my website needed an upgrade. It had to grow and change, just as I was transitioning into a new school. This is when “Neecie’s Mystic Universe” evolved into “Silly Little Girl”. 

Also, around this time, I received an offer to be “hosted” by the owner of “iwontbeignored.net“. I forget her actual name, but she was a bit edgy & was obviously obsessed with the band, Linkin Park. The only thing that mattered to me at the time was that she saw potential in me and my website. She wanted to give me free web space under her domain, and thus, I was officially pop-up ad free at “sillylittlegirl.iwontbeignored.net“.

My content was new (more short fictional stories, poems, etc.), and my layouts improved as I learned more HTML as well as simple Javascript. I was thrilling each time I updated my layout (Silly Little Girl version 2.0, 3.0, so on and so forth.) Whenever my closest friends were absent from school, I’d spend my entire lunch hour in the library coding away.

As my focus turned to prepping for the SATs & applying to colleges in my Junior & Senior year of high school. Silly Little Girl began to be more & more neglected. I also became more active in Dance, Cheerleading, Drama, & other clubs. Updates became few & far in between, until my host forced me to relinquish my domain space due to inactivity. In the years following, I focused majority of my creativity into Dance. I didn’t focus on coding or writing again until my first semester in college.

 Writing 101

One of my 1st memories in college was my first & last day in Writing 101. After brief introductions, I wrote a brief in-class essay. I was the first to finish. And in the time it took me to walk back to my dorm room, my professor had emailed me to inform me that he was moving me into the more advanced Writing 10 class instead.

I was ecstatic to be writing again. Even after getting my writing prerequisites for my major, I still took creative writing classes just for fun. I’ve always valued any way I could express my creativity. With so many thoughts constantly floating around in my head at any given moment, I have an irrational need to express myself in any way that I can.

Denise Joyce > MorganFreeman7

Most of you know the story behind my psuedonym “MorganFreeman7”. For those of you who don’t, when I initially launched my YouTube channel, I wanted a way to explore YouTube realm while remaining anonymous. This way, in the case that my videos & channel became a complete disaster, I could delete it without being embarrassed or anyone knowing. On the flip side, I fell in love with creating new video content & as my channel continued to grow, I decided to re-brand. MorganFreeman7 is a mask I hid behind. I wanted to be ME! And I wanted my audience to know the real me as well. 

I initially started this blog on June 8th in 2011, as a supplement to my YouTube channel, whenever I got too busy to film. It’s meant to be a place for me to connect with you all. If I wasn’t uploading videos, I was usually blogging & vice versa. Eventually, I revamped my blog & created the layout & logo you see now. I want to grow my personal empire as ME! I want you all to think of “Denise”, not Morgan Freeman when you view or interact with my content.

Express Yourself

Self-expression is a powerful tool, & I think it’s the most effective when you’re truly expressing who you are. MorganFreeman7 was a mask that represented my fear, my hesitation, & my self-doubt. This blog & me choosing to re-vamp, re-launch, & re-introduce myself proudly & fearlessly as Denise Joyce is the most important part of my story. 

XO Denise

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What To Do Instead of Ghosting

Dating is hard. Most people will kiss a lot of frogs along their journey to find true love. But nothing hurts quite like being ghosted by someone you’ve invested a lot of your time & attention in. Ghosting is a sign of emotional immaturity, emotional unavailability as well as low emotional intelligence. Today, I’m going to share what to do instead of ghosting.

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is the act of ending an interpersonal relationship by suddenly & without explanation, withdrawing from all forms communication. Most individuals choose to ghost someone out of fear. In fact, it’s a cowardly act usually justified because they don’t want to hurt the other party or close the door on the relationship completely. In reality, it unfairly gives the dumpee a false sense of hope for reconciliation, while the dumper moves on.

I’m proud to say that I haven’t ghosted any of my exes. After being ghosted more times than I’d like to admit in my years of dating, I promised myself in my early twenties to always do the right thing & fully give closure to every single person that I’ve entered into a romantic relationship with. That said, here’s how I end romantic relationships:

Break Up In Person

Ending a relationship in person can be terrifying, but it’s the only respectful way to end a relationship. I will shamefully admit that I broke up with my 1st boyfriend via email. I tried to do it a few days prior. But I selfishly couldn’t bear to see his face as I ripped out his heart, days before I left for college. He was the only & last person I did this to.

If I could go back in time & make sure to break up with every single one of my exes face to face to get & give them closure, I would. Being able to talk through how your feelings have changed, & that you want them to be with someone who can give them everything that you’re not capable of, is the adult thing to do. Do your best to demonstrate that you’re not breaking up with them out of hatred or spite. Your actions are actually out of love & respect for them as a person, because they deserve better.

Be Honest & Apologize

When relationships no longer have trust, they’re doomed to fail. When it’s already over, know that there’s no point in continuing to lie any further. Tell your partner exactly why you want to break up.

Healthy relationships need two emotionally mature individuals who choose each other & want to continue to choose each other, working through anything wrong within the connection every single day. It’s okay to admit that your feelings have changed. Maybe you want to be single, or maybe things have been off for a while so you want to date other people. Lying to protect your ex’s feelings will cause nothing but trouble down the road if you keep in touch & they discover the truth. Apologize for any conflict, hurt, & pain you’ve caused them. Take ownership of your shortcomings within the relationship. Explain how both of you need to still be invested, & that putting the breakup off any longer would be cruel & unfair.

Set Your Boundaries

Make it clear that you no longer want to be romantically involved with your former partner. And whatever you now want or do not want out of this relationship, say it.

I am cordial, but I am not friends with any of my exes. I do not have any of their contact information or follow any of them on social media. Do you want to have a clean break? Do you want to remain friends? Whatever your preference, set your boundaries & stick to them. There’s nothing worse than having wishy-washy boundaries & hurting someone who only agrees to the boundaries you’ve set because they have hope for rekindling the relationship.

When I break up with someone, I weigh the pros & cons for a while, so my mind is made up. And that’s why once I’ve set my boundaries & promised to not bother or reach out again under any circumstances, I keep my word.

Cut Off Contact As Your Last Resort

If your ex cannot respect the boundaries you’ve set, it’s ok to go no contact, but express why as an alternative to completely ghosting. Exes can stalk your every move, show up at places you frequent, beg, cry, & plead with you to work on the relationship & stay together, despite the boundaries you’ve already set.

So when the other options above aren’t enough, simply apologize, honestly explain why you do not want any further contact, ask that they respect your decision, & move forward for your own mental health.

Again, breakups are never fun, but they’re necessary. Make room in your life for the person that you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. I promise you that while it may be terrifying & hurt more than ghosting, being upfront, honest, & respectful with your exes is the only way to generate good karma for yourself as well as attract a new partner who will treat you with the same good intentions & take care of your heart.

XO Denise

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Tips For New Managers

Everything that I am, I’ve worked hard to become. Don’t ever be afraid to be ambitious!   

In June 2016, I was promoted to my first management position at IPSY. Though I was eager to make my transition & take on new responsibilities, leading & motivating my team, I remember that I still had a lot to learn. This is why I want to share my tips for new managers today.

Up until my promotion, I was only responsible for my success in my role. It’s always been easy for me to identify how to fulfill my expected tasks & responsibilities, both quickly & efficiently. But now as a leader, I know that my success is dependent on the performance of my team. Their ability to exceed expectations reflects on me as an effective leader, & I can’t feel confident as a “GOOD” boss without seeing my team happy & thriving. So if you’re currently stressing about your transition into a management position, here are some tips to hopefully inspire you & get you started in this next chapter of your career!

Define your personal definition of a “GOOD” boss 

Think about every boss you’ve had in your career. Over time, I’m sure you’ve developed a clear vision of how a good boss looks & acts. Use your former bosses as a guideline into who you want to become. Focus on the positive qualities you want to develop as well as the negative qualities that you want to avoid. 

To me, a good boss takes a genuine interest in everyone around them & wants to see everyone succeed. They are effective communicators & believe in the abilities of their team without needing to micromanage. A good boss knows how to delegate responsibility & work toward overall success for the benefit of everyone. They give praise & credit when it’s due, & they have high emotional intelligence. When you create your personal definition of a good boss, you know what you’re striving for. It’s hard to be an effective leader if you don’t have a clear & succinct idea of what a successful leader looks and acts like.

Once you’ve defined what you need to do to be a good boss, focus on identifying your strengths & weaknesses. No one expects you to be perfect during your initial transition, but identifying the areas where you can improve will help over time. Self-awareness is the first step to improving. It’s always been easy for me to be a good listener. I’m also resourceful, inspiring, & motivating, but I personally have trouble delegating tasks, due to my pride. It’s important to identify where improvement is needed, rather than pretending that your leadership style is perfect. 

Learn about your team & take a genuine interest

It’s important to know your team and take a genuine interest in their growth. How can you help someone succeed, when you don’t even know who they are or how they think? I prioritize having bi-weekly 1 on 1 meetings to catch up on my team’s personal lives as well as to ensure that they feel supported enough to be successful. By asking engaging questions, I’m able to identify any challenges they may be facing. I also strive to instill them with a growth mindset. Just as I’m doing my best to grow, learn, & improve, I want them to believe in themselves & reach their full potential. 

I always want my team to be able to talk to me about anything that may be hindering their performance & not be afraid to use their sick days & Vacation/PTO (Paid Time Off) when they’re feeling burnt out. Maintaining a good work/life balance is just as important for my team as it is for me.

Create a fun working environment

No one should be forced to work in a boring work environment surrounded by robots. The majority of my day is spent working alongside these individuals, and I want to create a fun working environment where they feel free to express themselves. I want to keep morale high, so I prioritize positive team engagement. 

I don’t shy away from acknowledging success & showing my appreciation for hard work. We dress up according to themes on Thursdays, (Check out the past Theme Thursdays I’ve featured on my Instagram!) & I plan birthday celebrations, team lunches, happy hours, & team offsites. Work should be fun because I want my team to be excited to get out of bed every morning. 

Becoming a new manager can be daunting, but hopefully, my advice will help alleviate any anxiety you may be currently feeling. Be upfront & honest with your team & ask for feedback. They’ll understand while you’re learning & still adjusting to your new role. Whenever I ask my own team for feedback on my management style, I’m continually pleasantly surprised by their kind words & compliments. I love seeing the growth, improvement, & success of my team members over time. I promise that it will all be rewarding in the end. 

XO Denise

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When You’re “Just a Friend”

“You, you got what I need but you say he’s just a friend. But you say he’s just a friend” – Biz Markie

With the passing of Biz Markie (RIP) on Friday, July 16th, I felt compelled to listen to his smash hit “Just a Friend”. It also inspires today’s blog post. Finding love is so hard nowadays because we’re terrified of cutting off all of our other options & defining a relationship as exclusive. But the longer you collect friends & push away the option that wants to call you their own & be more than friends, the longer it will take you to find true love.

“So please listen to the message that I say

Don’t ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend” – Biz Markie

After my first 2 boyfriends, the boys that I dated in my early 20s only wanted to be friends with benefits or took their sweet time & let me walk away completely for days, weeks, or even months before deciding to finally call me their “girlfriend”. It wasn’t until my late 20s/early 30s that I became more firm with setting my relationship boundaries. After the first few dates, I let my man know that I’m only looking to spend time with someone who’s looking for something real. Young adults need to pull out their dictionary or at the very least Google the definition of friend. A friend is someone with whom you share a mutual affection, excluding sexual relations. Yes, you can hang out & spend time with your friends. But you DO NOT engage in anything sexual with your friends.

Biz Markie warned society in September 1989 when he released his song. Don’t ever talk to someone who says they have a “friend”. Anyone who calls their romantic interests “friends” knows EXACTLY what they’re doing. I don’t recommend ever willingly putting yourself in a love triangle. Because whether you’re chosen over other options or not, it’s not a winning situation any way you try to spin it. If someone you’re dating says you’re a friend or has other people whom they keep in touch with that they are also friends with, without delving deeper into their actual “friendship”. Take it as a major red flag!

You deserve a relationship that is real. The person you end up with should love you & exclaim it proudly because you’re not just their friend. You should be their whole world, & they should be yours! Don’t feel bad for setting boundaries & rejecting new romantic partners because they have a “friend” or only want to label you as their “friend”. Know that you are enough & worthy of an exclusive relationship.

XO Denise

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Karmic Relationships

If you’ve had unsuccessful relationships, know that it’s common to have several relationships in your lifetime. Not everyone immediately meets their soulmate & lives happily ever after with them. While all relationships have their ups & downs, karmic relationships are typically doomed from the start to teach you necessary lessons to become a better person. Different from the well-known, loving relationship of two soulmates, a karmic relationship is often dramatic, tumultuous, & temporary.

Karmic Relationships

I believe that every relationship I’ve entered into so far has been a karmic relationship. I now take ownership of my past karmic behaviors, as I’ve definitely been a karmic partner to others in the past. But the key indicator of a truly loving relationship is genuine care, honesty, kindness, & unconditional love. Here are some examples & key indicators that you’re in a karmic relationship, or you are actually the karmic.

Abuse

Any form of abuse can be present in a karmic relationship, including emotional, financial, physical, psychological, sexual, etc. I am very self-aware. Through reflecting on my past relationships, I can admit that I was physically abusive to one of my exes.

On a road trip, my boyfriend wanted to drive Highway 1 from SoCal back to my home in the San Francisco Bay Area. Being young & impatient, I hated that this transformed a normally 5 hour car ride into a 12+ hour road trip, because he needed to stop several times to take pictures. I was moody & rude to him the entire drive up, because let’s face it, I was selfish.

I hated that he wanted to do what he wanted despite how I felt. At 18 years old, I expected him to bend over backward to make sure I was happy. I basically chose to throw a tantrum like a child in his car. As a way to cheer me up & lighten the mood, he decided to swerve the car back & forth along the road. He laughed as he watched me sway with the car, thinking it was funny & that it would make me smile.

Instead, it made me even more angry. I yelled at him for driving recklessly because another car could come rapidly around one of the turns, cause him to swerve off the road completely & off a cliff, killing us both. I called him annoying & immature, & I started to physically hit him on his arms, back, & shoulders to stop him from swerving in fear for my life & my safety. At the time, I felt justified for being physically abusive towards him, but considering how I behaved that entire day, I can see now that we were both karmic to each other in our karmic relationship.

Cheating

Cheating, emotional or physical cheating on any level, is another indicator of a karmic relationship & karmic behavior. Within the same college relationship, we both cheated on each other. Since he lived in SoCal & I lived in the Bay Area, we were only physically together for about 8 months during the year for school.

The Summer before we broke up, he started cheating on me with his co-worker at the gym he worked at. And the semester before that, I emotionally cheated on him with my TA. By breaking his trust, he no longer trusted me to have any male friends. And while I thought it was ridiculous at the time, I don’t blame him for that anymore. Discovering that he had been cheating on me all Summer with his co-worker a month after we broke up is what hurt the most.

As someone who has emotionally cheated & found out about other options my past boyfriends hid from me, know that entertaining other options & emotionally cheating is just as bad as physically cheating on your partner. If you already have a replacement or possible replacements lined up, you never truly loved your partner or respected your relationship with them.

By learning from emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, I don’t tolerate cheating of any kind. When I’m in a committed relationship, I ignore anyone who slides into my DMs or offers to buy me a drink at a club. Because in order to find a committed partner, I know that I need to fully commit to my partner too.

If my ex boyfriend suddenly has a new girlfriend days or weeks following our breakup, I can now recognize & accept that I was in a karmic relationship. Just as I am faithful & loyal to my current partner, I need & want my partner to choose me & only me.

Insulting & Unsupportive

Karmic relationships are often conditional. If your partner only wants to date you if you act, behave, or look a certain way, you’re probably in a karmic relationship. If your partner endlessly tries to change you, puts you down, or is unsupportive of your hopes & dreams, they’re probably a karmic partner.

As outlined in my Palm Springs blog post, I’ve had a lot of issues with past karmic partners. One of my exes told me that the “sexy” faces I make are unattractive. Another ex was obsessed with me & tried to control everything I did down to how I ate. My other ex told me that I was charging too much for my Oracle & Tarot services right before I decided to launch in February 2021.

But I’m happy to say that going forward, I only want to date someone who loves me exactly as I am. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to control me. And I only want to date someone who supports my ambition, drive, & entrepreneurial mindset. I know what my time & energy is worth. So whether I want to change my career to become an Interior Designer, go back to school for my MBA, or raise my pricing for my Oracle & Tarot services, because I feel overbooked, my future partner will support me & believe in me just as much as I believe in myself.

The Relationship Ends

Karmic relationships are meant to come to an end once the lesson has been fulfilled. They can start out as passionate & all-consuming, then quickly burn out as quickly as they started. So considering that I’m still single & none of my past relationships have lasted, I can only assume that they were all karmic.

For a long time, I was a firm believer in not giving second chances. As someone who believes in true, unconditional love, my heart has been dragged through the mud, stabbed, & stolen without my love being returned more times that I’d like to admit. Now I’ve learned that while I’m still allowed to love unconditionally, getting a second chance to win my heart is a privilege. I should never continue to give love to a person or a situation if it compromises my integrity.

Have you ever been in a Karmic Relationship? How did it end? And what did you learn from it? Let me know in a comment below.

XO Denise

SOURCES

MindBodyGreen

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